Why I regret not having regrets.

Don’t give up on yourself. I mean you. Not you’re fucking kids, your partner, your job, your friends. I mean YOU.

Don’t put anything ahead of yourself. Don’t sacrifice anything, be it time, love, energy-whatever, on something or someone that costs you YOU. That costs you losing yourself- your independence, your health, your career. Whatever it may be because one day you will regret it. 

I never believed in regrets, I always saw them as a waste of time- why worry about something that happened in the past, right?  But now, I see having no regrets as an excuse.

I didn’t think I’d say this but I have regrets. I now see that not acknowledging them before was a way of excusing the decisions that I made. Because the decisions I made were wrong. Why were they wrong? They were wrong because they led to me losing myself. 

And that is something that I should have never allowed to happen and only now- only now, almost ten years later, do I know the price I’ve had to pay. 

If I could visit myself ten years back and give advice,  it would be more selfish and put yourself first. Yeah, it wouldn’t have been easy and perhaps a little out of my comfort zone at first but I’d have come round to it, I’d soon have seen that it was for the best. 

I’m sure as hell I’d have more to show now if I’d chosen that route ten years ago but instead I’m here, losing myself and with nothing to show for it. 

I’ve made a big mistake. I’ve let myself down. I’ve lost and nobody has won.

& I’m not sure how to fix it.

10 Comments

  1. I understand. I’m thinking about kintsugi, the old Japanese art of mending broken pottery with golden glue. This helps me. We break, some of us. We can mend ourselves and be different from our former selves, but still ourselves. It will be OK.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Life becomes clear only hindsight most often than not. I look back with self love and compassion for my younger self who did her best and now that I know better I refuse to lose myself. I will continue to learn more about myself and become better skilled at choices.
    This is my perspective – no judgement, forgiveness and healing always.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Quite right. We want to be considerate towards others, but we also need to stand up for our own self-interest. Give and take. It’s about getting the balance right – not succeed at the expense of other people, but not sacrifice ourselves for others either. That’s what makes it so difficult!

    Like

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