The sinkhole.

Depression. It’s like the common cold. You know it’s around, it can happen when the colder weather starts so you try and avoid it. Take some extra supplements, avoid germ-ridden places and most importantly, wash your hands more often. Then, out of the blue, you’ve got it. You’ve got the cold you tried so desperately hard to avoid, you staved off the comings of a scratchy throat, put them down to paranoia but in truth, the extra vitamin C didn’t work.

It’s not a rain cloud over my head anymore, I can deal with that…I’ve got an umbrella; a rain jacket and I know how temperamental the weather can be. That’s ok. Not this, this isn’t a cloud, this is a sinkhole. It appears out of nowhere and for no particular reason. It’s volatile and dark and it makes me so exhausted. I’m. so. exhausted. But this, this can’t be avoided, it swallows me up and thrashes me around beneath the ground, the devil is on my shoulder, shouting while I’m silently screaming. 

It’s so easy to surrender to the darkness, to fall and fall deeper down underground. My body’s autopilot kicks in and i’m lifted out of the hole, I’m back in the real world, I’m out my front door, I’m here- ok, so my body is but my mind is not- because my mind is still there, it’s still in that sinkhole with the devil for company. I don’t want it to be like this, I don’t want to be a prisoner in my own head. I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to be defeated.

I just need to find the fight inside of me. I need it to show up. I need it to work out ok because it’s worked out ok before and it can’t let me down this time.  This too shall pass, right? I need to be the bigger person, I need to scream back at the fucking devil. I must silence it’s shouting. I need to rip it off my shoulder and drop it further down into the hole where it belongs.

 I need to resurface.

I want to resurface.

I must resurface. 

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